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 [Thomas Taylor], A Vindication of the Rights of Brutes
(London, 1792; Gainesville, Florida: Scholars' Facsimiles & Reprints, 1966; Online at Animal Rights History, 2003).
Chap. VII
That Magpies are naturally Musicans;
Oxen Arithmeticians; and Dogs Actors.
BUT let us now see what advantages we might derive from an amicable association with other animals, such as magpies, oxen, and dogs. And to begin with the magpie, the following story, from the above-mentioned treatise of Plutarch, indisputably proves that this bird naturally possesses musical abilities in the most extraordinary degree.
"A certain barber in Rome, who had a shop directly opposite to the Temple, which is called the Greek's Market, bred in his house a miraculous kind of a magpie, who was perpetually chattering with the greatest variety imaginable; sometimes imitating humane speech; sometimes talking in those wild notes peculiar to her nature; and sometimes humming the sounds of wind instruments . Nor was all this the result of any constraint, but the consequence of that extraordinary ambition, by which she accustomed herself to leave nothing unspoken, and nothing that her imitation should not master.
It happened that a certain person of the wealthier sort, and lately dead in the neighbourhood, was carried out to be buried, with a great number of trumpets before him. Now because it was the custom of the bearers to rest themselves before the barber's shop; the trumpeters, who were excellent in their art, and were commanded so to do, stopped a long time at this place, playing on their instruments all the while.
But after that day, the magpie was entirely mute, not so much as uttering the usual notes, by which she called for what she wanted; so that passengers who before admired the loquacity of the bird, were now much more surprised at her sudden silence; and many suspected her to have been poisoned by persons affecting peculiar skill I teaching those kind of birds; but the greatest number were of opinion, that the noise of the trumpets had stupefied her hearing, and that in consequence of this she was likewise deprived of the use of her voice.
But indeed the cause of her unusual silence was not the result of either of these effects; but arose from her retiring to exercise by herself, the imitation of what she had heard, and to sit and prepare her voice, to express in the same manner as the instruments what she had learnt; for soon after she suddenly made her appearance, but had quitted all her former imitations ,sounding nothing but the music out of the trumpets, and observing all the changes and cadences of the harmony, with an inconceivable exactness of time." Now from this curious history, it evidently follows, that magpies, when properly disciplined, (their language being perfectly known to us), might in time form a musical band equal to that at Vauxhall; and thus being employed instead of men, by the proprietors of that elegant place, might save them a prodigious expence; since it does not appear from any accounts, ancient or modern, that either birds or beasts are money-getting animals.
Besides, they would form admirable clerks for dissenting meeting-houses; for as the dissenters have a great objection to instrumental music in divine service, not because of the harmony, but because it is instrumental, the magpie by his imitative art would present them with all the variety of instrumental melody, and yet it would be strictly vocal.
The loquacity indeed of these birds appears to be so admirable, that I see no reason why they might not become excellent Methodist parsons; for they could doubtless as well imitate vehement declamation, and vociferate barbaric cant, as counterfeit the sound of the trumpet, and utter the apparently wild notes of nature.
And thus much for the magpie;—lete us now proceed to the ox, who has been unjustly characterized with the epithet of dull; as the following history will abundantly evince.
"At Susa (says Plutarch) there are oxen that water the King's gardens with portable buckets, of which the number is fixed; for every ox carries a hundred buckets every day; and more than this, you cannot by any means force them to carry. For indeed, when constraint has been used for experiment's sake, nothing could make them stir after they had carried their full number; such an accurate account do they take, and preserve in their memory, as Ctesias, the Gnidian, relates."
Now who can doubt after reading this, but that if the same pains were taken with oxen, as we take with our youth, they would become excellent arithmeticians; and by being taught to write with their hoofs (which is surely no more impracticable than for a man to write with his toes, and which we all know is possible) might form admirable bankers and merchants clerks, or indeed bankers and merchants themselves; and from their indifference to gold, in common with all animals but man, by depositing their gains in the Treasury, might help to pay off the national debt.
Nor are dogs less calculated by nature to become great actors, than oxen to form good arithmeticians, as the following story will, no doubt, fully convince the managers of both the theatres.
"There was a dog at Rome (says Plutarch) belonging to a certain mimic, who at that time had the management of a farce, consisting of a great variety of parts; in the performance of which he undertook to instruct the actors, by teaching them the several imitations proper for the transactions and passions represented in the farce. Among the rest there was one who was to drink a sleepy potion, and after he had drank it, was to fall into a deadly drowsiness, and counterfeit the actions of a dying person. The dog, who had studied several of the other gestures and postures, observing this with greater attention, took a piece of bread that was sopped in the potion, and in a short time after he had eat it, counterfeited a trembling, then a staggering, and afterwards a drowsiness, in his head. Then stretching himself out, he lay as if he had been dead; and seemed to offer himself to be dragged out of the place, and carried to burial, as the plot of the play required. But afterwards understanding the proper time, from what was said and acted; in the first place he began gently to stir, as if waking out of a profound sleep, and lifting up his head, gazed on all around him: and then to the amazement of the beholders, he rose up and went to the master to whom he belonged, with all the signs of joy and fawning kindness; so that all the spectators, eand even Cæsar himself (for old Vespasian was present in Marcellus's Theatre) were highly pleased with the sight."
It appears to me, I confess from this relation that the dog must have acted in a manner equal to Garrick himself; and it is to be hoped, that the managers of our theatres, in consequence of paying proper attention to this wonderful story, will, in a short time, bring on the stage dogs and puppies, to act at lest jointly with men, till the language of these animals is known in common; and when that much to be desired event shall take place, that they will suffer them to act by themselves, to the infinite delight of numberless spectators; for surely when puppies act, the theatres will be uncommonly full.
I might here enlarge greatly on the prodigious benefits which would arise to mankind from associating with fishes, through the means of a submarine navigation, which Bishop Wilkins has demonstrated to be practicable, in his ingenious treatise on Mathematical Magic; but this would too much exceed the limits of the present work. However, if the reader is desirous of obtaining perfect conviction in this particular, he need only consult the latter part of the so often mentioned curious treatise of Plutarch, and he will find that fishes are no less sagacious than land animals; and that of course the advantages arising from restoring them to their natural equality with mankind, are not less numerous and great, than those we have already taken notice of, in the terrestrial and aerial tribes.
And thus much may suffice, for an historical proof, that brutes are equal to men. It only now remains (and this must be the province of some able hand) to demonstrate the same great truth in a similar manner, of vegetable, minerals, and even the most apparently contemptible clod of earth; that thus this sublime theory being copiously and accurately discussed, and its truth established by an indisputable series of facts, government may be entirely subverted, subordination abolished, and all things every where, and in every respect, be common to all.
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